Funk

It so that time of day again and I feel like I am choking.

I have no idea what I am going to do for dinner.  I don’t feel up to preparing anything.

It has been a tough one.  I am in an awful depressive funk at the moment, suffering insomnia and playing game after game of ‘solitaire’ on the computer.  I think I am doing something repetitive and not to mentally taxing to soothe and blot out what is happening in my head and around me.  Close to rocking, but somehow more socially acceptable.

Then today, with rain streaming down outside F1 choked.  I think it was a piece of orange, but I am not sure.  She was breathing, although not clearly.  She was trying to cough, and she couldn’t speak.  I tried all the things you do, upside down, back whacking, fingers down her throat.  I was scared that I would move whatever it was and block her breathing completely.

So I made a snap decision to take her to the doctor.  Our doctor is slightly closer than our nearest hospital, but I know that hospital costs $300- to go through emergency.  (The doctor cost me $52-).  There is a free hospital, but it is much further to go in this situation.  I just thought that I would try my luck.  Besides, I think I needed the familiar faces.

I was shocked.  S3 was fantastic.  He grabbed his shoes and jumper and his sister’s bear and jumped in the car.  On the way to the doctor her throat cleared, so I felt like a goofball walking in in such a state.  The doctor (not mine) checked her and she was okay.  He thinks it was probably orange caught on her larynx.  Within half an hour she was back to normal.  I am still a bit shaken.

This afternoon when it was her rest time, a combination of exhaustion, feeding, cortisol etc, I fell asleep.  Of course, she did not.

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I had to take a break there… F1 crawled up on my lap and went to sleep.  Somewhat inconvenient at 4:30pm, as I know I will be up half the night with her again tonight, but I will take what I can get.  Of course she has subsequently rolled out of bed, so it probably isn’t the best day of her life, either.

Anyway, in the less than half an hour that I dozed, they managed to destroy both bedrooms, the hall way, both lounge rooms, the dining room, the kitchen and the bathroom.  It is going to be a long slow clean up, especially given my current state.

This was just before school pick up time for H6.  I tried to bustle everyone ready, not needing the confrontation.  S3, instead of a jumper, somehow put on an outfit that F1 has grown out of.  I finally got him out of that and back into his own clothes, got F1 into the pram and – he’s naked.  Excellent.  We eventually agree on a swimming costume with a jumper. *sigh*

At least he was helpful when it was life and death.

Then we got caught in the rain.

Dealing with kids life, and mess, and meals (the leftover chicken that I was going to use tonight still had too much fat on it and it wasn’t shredded, and  I just couldn’t face it.  I couldn’t face anything much, but I certainly wasn’t going there.). It is all just too much tonight.

I guess I haven’t exactly lost everything today,after all F1 is still alive, but I certainly haven’t won.