Blood

Warning:  This post contains discussion of bodily fluids

I hate having periods.  I reckon most females do.  I hate the inconvenience.  I hate the mess.  I hate the pain.  I hate the dirty feeling that comes with it.  I hate the smell.

But these days, I see blood and I feel a wave of relief.

I know my hormone levels are starting to change.  I have survived this round.  In about a week’s time I will be back, to normal (whatever that is).

Ever since ovulation I have been starting to go haywire.  I have been growing more and more wild.  My temper has been getting worse, my fuse shorter.  I fly off the handle in a scary way, snapping without notice.  It is like I have no control, and, well, I don’t.  It frightens me as much as anyone else.  I have the persona I have kindly dubbed, ‘psychotic bitch from hell’.

But the sign of blood means that this is subsiding.  It is over for another few weeks.  In a day or two I can move into damage limitation mode.  It is a huge relief to know that the crescendo is over.

It is not much fun only having a week to ten days in a month where I am not fighting to control my emotions.

An Introduction

This is not a pretty blog.  This is a real life, messy, gritty bits blog.  It is about my life, struggling with mental illness.

It is the bits I don’t want to publish on my regular blog.  It isn’t that my other blog is an assumed persona, or that this one is.  My other one is my best side, the side I use to try and see the best in life, to try to inspire others to be the best they can be;  to try and remember to do so myself.

This blog is the rest – the things I only share with a few of my friends, usually, the bits I need to write about so that I can get them out of me…  it is about living with mental illness.

So a little about me.

I am a Mum of three littles (currently 1, 3 and 6, but they will continue to get older) and I live in urban Australia.

I was first diagnosed with depression in 1992.  It was diagnosed as SAD (seasonal affective disorder) as I was living in Canada at the time, but it was not treated.  I started treatment in 1993 for depression and anorexia.  I have suffered depression ever since.  I have also been treated for panic, anxiety, depression with psychosis and pre- and post- natal depression.

My current diagnosis is Depression and GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder).  Personally, I think this is a lot closer to the mark than some of my other diagnoses! I also suspect PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) and the verdict is still out on OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) – although what is causing what in this little bundle is all still being examined.

I am a Christian.