Two hours sleep is not enough.
I am really struggling today. Thank goodness the kids are being unusually good. It might have been something to do with the talk I gave them this morning. It went something like, “I have only had two hours sleep. I am tired and cranky. Your (insert behaviour) will not be tolerated today.”. Or it might be luck. God giving me a small break. A small miracle for us all.
So how come I only had two hours sleep?
My depression is getting worse. I know the signs. I have had that burst of energy, that keeps me up at night doing stuff. I’ve been building through the insomnia that becomes less and less fun. I’ve got to the point where it is almost impossible to take my meds. My numbing drug of choice this time has been solitaire on my tablet (computer, not meds). I’m heading for a crash and I’m not sure where to cry for help. Today I caught myself on online bookshops. Soon I will be living off Cheezels.
I hate this. Even after all this time, I don’t know what triggers these downward spirals, nor do I know what to do to stop them. I know lots of my triggers, as in what causes my general episodes, but these whirlpools, uh-uh. I know many triggers are in place, I am beginning to realise it is when things are also out of my control (like I can’t seem to get a break from the kids, even though I have been trying for months), but I think there is something else here, something specific. If only I could figure out what it was.
So, that had me up most of the night. I was going to go to bed at a semi-decent time last night. I was. Really. But somehow it got to 2:15am, the infomercials were making me yawn and it was difficult to beat the deal on solitaire. Oops. So I went to bed. It was freezing cold. We have no heater in our room, unlike in the lounge. And our quilt wriggles inside the cover so that sometimes you pretty much just have two sheets and nothing warm. Last night was arctic, so it was awful. I lay teeth chattering, trying to pretend my daughter would re-settle from the intrusion without me feeding her, yet again (ha! As if!). Eventually I drifted off – until about 4am, when the little banshee started up.
She was inconsolable. I don’t know what happened, she doesn’t seem ill or anything. She was probably just cold. Whatever it was she stayed awake, screaming until morning. Demanding milk continuously (I didn’t have the supply, so let’s add pain, guilt and inadequacy to those feelings of exhaustion and frustration, shall we?)
By morning I was shattered. So was DH. It was an unpleasant morning after an unpleasant night before an unpleasant day.
Unfortunately, she has had some good sleep today. I hope tonight is not a repeat.
Inside the Storm 