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No Drugs

It is now 51 days since I stopped taking Lexapro.

I have had a shocking, shocking headache today.  I know that if I took something there is a chance it would give me at least temporary relief, but I can’t.  My milk supply is also down, but I can’t take fenugreek for that, either.

No multivitamins.

No fish oil.

Nothing.

The Lexapro detox has been a dreadfully harrowing experience.  It has been terrible for those on the outside looking in, but it has been even more frightening and painful from the inside.

And now I can’t take a thing.  Not even a paracetamol.  The thought of taking a tablet of any kind petrifies me.

I guess I will need to learn to live with my headaches again.

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Lexapro Detox Diary–Day 27

Maybe I shouldn’t be around people right now.

I seem to be angry and just waiting to find someone to hit.

Not quite, but I am unduly angered by stupid things that people say and do.

Let’s take, for example, my family.  I am the youngest of a large, hierarchical family.  As such, I am a long way down the pecking order.  Below, even, my elder siblings children.  This is, of course, denied.  I should stop thinking of myself like that, you see, I should just be more assertive.  Except that when I do I am told in no uncertain terms that I am not to rock the boat like that.

What is my latest offence?

Well, my family doesn’t gather for Christmas on Christmas Day.  It is too inconvenient to coordinate that many people, apparently.  We originally gathered on the Saturday before Christmas (as did my father’s family before) and then, whoever could, would get together on Christmas Day.  Then the Christmas Day thing got dropped.  Then they started gathering on Sunday because the people hosting it found that easier.

But we don’t.  We go to Church on Sunday.  Apparently, so do my family, but then I did the unthinkable and, despite being Roman Catholic, married a Protestant.  We go to his Church.  So apparently it is my problem if the times conflict.

This year, we are hosting Christmas.  Yes we volunteered, however, noone else wanted to do so.  So what have we done?  What is the terrible, unforgivable crime that I have committed?

I have invited everyone over on Saturday.

Good grief!

And hasn’t the narky abuse come thick and fast!

*sheesh*

H6 asked me tonight what was wrong.  He could feel me all tense as I snuggled him in bed.  I put it like this:

“Someone I don’t like very much but I have to be nice to said something very mean to me that made me angry.  I had to be polite when I answered her, even ‘though I didn’t want to be.  But now I can’t get the anger away inside me.”

He understood.  I couldn’t tell him it was his cousin and his aunt who had me in such a burning rage that I want hurt someone.

The whole thing is petty and ridiculous.  I want to say to them:  2 choices – 1 you host it, you choose the day or 2 don’t come if you can’t.  Apparently that would be rude in an uncalled for manner.

But I am struggling with the rage.

The rage.

I understand the term, “seeing red”, because I got so mad that my eyesight tinged.

How much is Lexapro and how much is that I am just sick of this?  I don’t know, but I know I better keep away from them until I am past the Detox Rages.

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Lexapro Detox Diary–Day 26

Can you believe that I am having a good day?  How wonderful is that!

True, it is Saturday.

True, DH did take the kids to the park for a while.

True, the day is not over.

But still – this is fantastic.

I woke up this morning feeling rather – ordinary.  It seems to be par for the course these days, sadly.  I explained to DH that I felt like an elephant was sitting on my head.

It isn’t like a tension headache, or a migraine (either classic, or those doovey pains I have had for years that they have now discovered are actually a different manifestation of migraine), not exactly crushing, like a band headache, but, well, like an elephant was sitting on my head!  Really heavy, squashing me…

Of course, that was accompanied by the brain fog, and my eyes hurt.

But apart from that, I have been mostly pretty good.

I have even got some BIG work done around the house.  I managed to sort out boxes and bags of all sorts of things in the garage.  I want to catalogue what we have for Christmas presents and we have stuff EVERYWHERE.  Our garage is riddled with things stashed in opaque bags and boxes.  I managed to get a lot of that sorted and combined so that it is a much more contained and logical mess.  I can also see what extra goodies we have ready for gifts for other people, too.

I am not feeling so good about tonight, ‘though.  We have a function on at our Church.  Originally it was billed as a fellowship dinner.  Sounds nice – something purely social without anyone demanding things.  Then we are told that, just in case we can’t find a babysitter, there are babysitters there.  Um?  A babysitter?  For a family dinner?  Won’t the kids be having dinner?  And then we are told there will be a discussion on “Future Directions” and it is suddenly pretty much compulsory to attend.  THAT is NOT fellowship!  Oh dear.  Hope it isn’t as bad as it sounds.  I really don’t feel like going out tonight at all.

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The Great Detox Day 25

Should I be mad?

Every day is closer to being clean, I tell myself. But every day holds more symptoms, it seems, more challenges.

Today my eyesight has been effected.  Things are a bit blurry.  Not so much the big things like the table across the room, but little up close things, like the buttons on the phone, or my child’s face.

All I can do is take a deep breath and centre myself.  And hope I don’t have an accident.

But should I be mad?  My DH doesn’t get it, or won’t get it.  I am worried sick about my DD, F1.  She has been on Lexapro since conception, and she seems to be suffering so similarly to me.  Poor little mite – she doesn’t understand and can’t talk about it.  I have had it suggested to me, via a forum, that I get a paediatrician involved.  The more I read about this drug, the more I this k I should.  I worry about what it may have done to her development.

Am I mad at the doctor?  No.  He is a GP and is dong what he can.

What I am mad about is the lack of support at home.  This is real and over, VERY scary.  DH doesn’t understand because he can’t see it.  However tonight he was on the phone to his best friend, discussing their families, etc.  Did he say, “Oh N has been very sick.  She is going through an excruciating detox from a medication to which she had a bad reaction.  And Miss F1 is, too.”. Ideally I would ha e loved to have heard something like and I don’t know how they are surviving it!  – but the former would have done.  No, apparently we are all well, except that F1 is still poorly settled. Argh!

It leaves me feeling sad and scared and alone and uncherished.  I am almost pleased that F1 is doing this too (at a highly selfish level) just so that I don’t have to face it alone.

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Lexapro Detox Diary–Day 25 Part II

Today has been mostly a good day.  Although I have had a bit of an upset tummy, I haven’t had my killer combo of gastro, headache and rage.

(While I do have headache, it isn’t the completely crippling kind.)

Today a new symptom has decided to manifest itself.  I am now having increased trouble with my vision.  It is increasingly blurry, especially when I am doing fine work, like dialling the phone of txting.

I also had a couple of incidents of big visual disturbances, like hallucinations.  For example, I was walking to the clothes line in the backyard and it was like the trees above all pulsed in a big surge.  As this has happened to me a few times lately, I wasn’t really phased – I knew it would pass quickly and I’d be right – as long as I didn’t fall over.

I have also had back and abdominal pain.

And that tired feeling.  More than just tired.  I’m not sure how to explain it.  It is sort of like a brain fog, but not quite.  Soul tiredness.  A terrible weariness in my bones and also a feeling of… hmm… battle fatigue.

Not bad for a good day!

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Lexapro Detox Diary–Day 24

Lexapro detox is bad news.  It is long, hard and painful.  There seems to be an endless list of symptoms, including losing my thinking skills.  Today, I am just doing a list of the symptoms I have or am experiencing so far:

  • nausea
  • gastro
  • metallic taste
  • headache, including sensitivity to light and to sound
  • insomnia
  • vivid, recurring nightmares (they are so vivid, I have difficulty distinguishing some of them from memories)
  • recurring thoughts
  • lack of co-ordination (last night I had a terrible time spooning the rice from the casserole dish onto the plates)
  • flu symptoms
  • exhaustion
  • aches
  • anxiety regarding safety and irrational fears (for example, scared to leave the house after dark)
  • rage (scary, incontrollable, volatile rage)
  • migraine style pain
  • low idiot-tolerance
  • visual and audial disturbances
  • inability to concentrate
  • inability to complete complex tasks
  • inability to multi-task
  • inability to remember what is happening or what I was up to

I am also concerned about my little F1.  Here are some symptoms that I have observed in her:

  • falling down
  • insomnia
  • clingy
  • loss of appetite
  • teary-ness
  • highly strung
  • insecurity
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Flying Solo

Well I did it.  I went and saw my GP to discuss my fears about the medication.  I started simple – with the glaucoma thing.  That was enough to put him off it, even without my other concerns, especially as my brother was relatively young when he was diagnosed.

After a lot of discussion about how I was going with the detox, we have made a bold decision.  He thinks a lot of the agitation and, um, Madame Cranky Pants-ness (to put it politely) is due to the withdrawal from Lexapro – as in actual withdrawal symptoms, not life without it.

So… I am off the meds for the time being.

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Why Cymbalta Makes Me Nervous

Okay, so by now you know there is an issue with my meds at the moment.  This post is partly for anyone who is interested in Cymbalta and partly to help organise my thoughts for the doctor tomorrow (today).

Firstly, of course, there is the whole serotonin syndrome thing:

If you have some or all of the following symptoms you may have something called serotonin syndrome: feeling confused, feeling restless, sweating, shaking, shivering, hallucinations, sudden jerks in your muscles or a fast heartbeat.

It then continues with the following symptoms; which may or may not also be symptoms of serotonin syndrome or not.

  • stick neck or jaw muscles (lockjaw)
  • fits or seizures
  • mood of excitement, over-activity and uninhibited behaviour
  • aggression or anger especially after starting or stopping taking this medicine.

You may need urgent medical attention.

But wait!  There’s more!  (And I don’t mean a free set of steak-knives.)

Glaucoma:  I don’t have glaucoma, that I know of.  (I really need to get that tested.)  But my Mum does.  And my brother.  I am nervous about taking a medication that could cause it.

Liver damage or failure:  Okay, noone really lines up to ask for this one.  I wouldn’t be too concerned at the moment normally as I do not drink (still breastfeeding S4 and F1) and as far as I know, my liver is pretty healthy (despite it all.)  However, elsewhere it talks about skin rash as a sign of a sick liver.  Go to the Accident and Emergency of your nearest hospital if you have itching, skin rash or hives.  I have had the most horrendous skin rash.  It started on Sunday 5th August.  It lasted until a few weeks ago.  (Coincidentally when I stopped taking my old meds?)  All over my legs, my arms and the trunk of my body.  It was so itchy that I couldn’t sleep and it often had me in tears.  Now my legs and chest are covered in scars.  I still have itchy, broken skin on my abdomen.  I don’t normally get rashes like that.  It was just too hard for me to get to a doctor about it.  It also says flu symptoms are a sign.  I thought I was fighting another seasonal bug, but maybe that is not what the recurring aches and fevers were about.

And, actually, it IS concerning to be taking something daily that puts your liver into such a tenuous situation that a big night out could wipe it out.  Not that I get big nights out.

Suicidal tendencies: I am not suicidal.  But suicide is a real and rather nasty side effect of some medications for some people.  I am a suicide-survivor, thank you Aropax.  I know that I am so glad I survived, not just because I am here now, but because in that moment that I stopped taking the pills, I won the war.  I do not want to go there again, and I am petrified to have that control taken from me.

Restless Legs:  @#%^ restless legs!  Restless legs drive me crazy.  It came on in a big way when I was pregnant with H6 and has got worse since.  I do not need to take something that has this as a possible side-effect!

Of course, there is the usual list of a thousand possible side-effects, the ones we are all used to seeing.  Of these, there are a few that bother me:

  • sleeping issues – drowsiness or insomnia or weird dreams.  Take your pick.  They are all there, and I get them all.  Yick.
  • anxiety/confusion – isn’t this part of what we are treating?
  • and many, many more, but these are all the mild and short-lived ones, and generally speaking, I don’t bother with them if they don’t bother with me.

You know, in my gut, I just know this is not for me.

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Clean–but crazy–living

Tomorrow I go back to my GP.  I really don’t want to, but I know that I need to.

I have been having medication issues.  I have a draft post about this, but here is the short form.  I was reacting to the meds.  I was prescribed new ones.  The PIS (Pharmaceutical Information Sheet) from the new one scared the pants off me and I don’t want to take it.

So in the mean time, I have detoxed.

For about 3 weeks.

Wha-at?  No really, about that long.

You see, I was struggling to take the meds when I was reacting to them.  For some reason I just couldn’t swallow them.  I couldn’t bring myself to do so.  At that time I didn’t even think the way I was feeling was anything to do with them, but I just couldn’t do it.

So medicating was rather sporadic.  And then I purposefully detoxed.  I was supposed to start the new medication on Monday, but I have been trying to talk to someone about my fears.

So all in all it has been about three weeks, maybe even longer.

How am I feeling?  I am glad you asked.

In so many ways, I feel great.  You know that feeling when you have been eating heaps of junk food for a while and then you eat a fantastic, fresh salad?  That sort of clean and refreshed feeling?  Well that is how I feel.

And what’s more, I don’t feel hungry!  It is completely gob-smacking for me.  I can actually see food and not eat it.  I hadn’t realised that I was just always hungry.  I thought it was comfort eating as I certainly wasn’t ravenous or even consciously hungry.  But now this feeling is amazing!

I don’t mean that I am not eating at all, but, for example, I haven’t eaten chocolate for three days.  I will eat a meal, but I don’t need seconds.  Wow.

I would love to keep feeling like this.  I hate to say it, but I could do with losing a bit of weight.  Say, roughly 25kg…  And actually, when I think about it, I started packing on the pudding when I had the depressive episode in 2004 (*ahem* break down…) when I was put on Lexapro.  I just thought it was because I was depressed and then it never got better because I was pregnant and breastfeeding etc etc.

Hmmm.  Interesting.

Anyway.  The point is, I would love to stay off the medication, but I know that is not what my doctor will want to do tomorrow.

And to be fair, the crazies in my head make me realise that I need to do something.

I have realised that I am not thinking properly.  Complex things confuse me.  (For example, my sister and I were texting each other, trying to organise a catch up.  I got so confused that in the end I told her to just pick a time and tell me and I would make it work.)  The mental exhaustion of driving a car makes me almost vomit.  Looking after the kids… well.  Nightmare.  I am cranky, yelling, smacking Mummy.  Not who I want to be, or who I normally am.  I mean, I am a bit highly strung at times, but I fly off the handle a rather lot just now.

Of course, that could be the lack of sleep.

Have I mentioned insomnia?

Oh my.  I am waiting to drop from a heart-attack.  I so desperately want a good night’s sleep, if only I could settle.

I have been recommended Rescue Remedy for Insomnia, but it is a lot of money, especially if I am just going to have to fork out for new meds (again) as well.

I just wish I wasn’t going to end up being drugged again tomorrow.  It is so nice to feel so alive, even if the alive isn’t all that pleasant.